Benchmarking Our Lives

So in case you didn't know I am six months away from turning 30, wow it's very crazy if you think about it. I'm not at a place in my life where i thought I would be when I was like 20. If you asked me at 20 where i would be at 30 I would've said I'd be, successful, employed, fabulous, living in a big city anywhere but in Texas, married, probably a couple of kids and a house. All of this is not where I am, I'm still in school, I'm single with no long-term relationship on the horizon, no children (besides my doggy children), still living in small town Texas, I do have jobs but not career type jobs and I'm still living with my parents. We tend to gauge our lives by where we are "supposed" to be and by where our friends are. I am at the age where my friends are getting married and having kids and at times I feel kinda left behind.

I don't want this to sound all woe is me, because that's not me. I love my life, I love who I am, I love what I've accomplished but I can't help but feel left out at times. I've decided to put my school kind off again this semester (I'm only going to go part time) because I really need to finish getting my final 80 lbs off before my 30th birthday in six months. I kind of feel like I'm prolonging my real life by doing this, but I also know it would be a wasted semester anyway.

Being on this journey I have learned about so much more than just how to lose weight and keep it off. This journey has taught me so much about life, love, relationships, people and how I fit into this world. I've reached a point in my life where a LOT of my close friends are finding their soul mates and getting married and are having babies, and I am happy for them but a part of me is like hey what about me! We tend to benchmark our lives, a lot like I mark my weight loss, however life does not work on a schedule. Even if I had finished school at 21 or 22 I still wouldn't be were my friends are in their personal lives because how can you share your life with someone if you don't know who you are? That was me my entire 20's, living day to day slowly sabotaging myself because I didn't know who I was.

" Life doesn't deal the hand you want, it deals the hand you need. Whether you believe it, accept it, want it or not, it is what it is. Be content with your own hand. STOP trying to rush life, just let it happen. Learn to live out the life dealt. What will be, will be!"-Antonio Talbert

I think that quote is perfect, one of my best friend's in the world who is marrying her Prince Charming in May constantly talks about wanting to send a thank you card to all her Ex-Boyfriends thanking them for not wasting her time and teaching her what not to look for. I think this is kind of great. I don't regret anything in my life, because I learned from it. I learned I was really unhappy at 430 pounds and that i wasn't living I was existing. No more existing for me, I'm going to live. I'm going to have that amazing full filling career, plan and had have that ridiculously expensive wedding to my Prince Charming when he does decide to appear and sweep me off my feet and I will have a couple of great kids. I just probably won't have them by 30 and that's okay. It's my life and I make the rules.

Life is hard, no one promises you happiness you have to find it. Do I know exactly what I want? Not completely, but I know I know myself a little bit better now at 245lbs than I did at 430lbs, so things change and I'm single at 29 years old and that's okay. I'm almost done with school, am I gonna go to medical school like was my mom's dream? Nope and I'm totally okay with that I'm gonna work on making me happy and when I am happy that's when I know this journey will be over. So here is to the next six months, because by July 12th, the day I turn 30 I will be 180 pounds (or darn close to it) and I will know more about me and I will be one day closer to the rest of my life. So here's to never settling, never giving up (or figuring out) our dreams and going strong no matter what.

Life's Little Pleasures.

Hola my friends! How are you doing today? I've had a not so hot week, including getting the flu and a sick car... So gym time was abbreviated this week, one thing I am grateful for is my car being in the shop the same days I felt like a corpse and needed to sleep 18 hours a day. Today I am feeling mucho better, my car is well again and well back to the gym I go after work. This week while i was laying in bed with a box of tissues and snuggling some NyQuil I was thinking about all the things that are easier now that I don't have an extra person worth of fat attached to my body. I think it's the little things that really make this process worth while.

At my biggest I drove a tiny little truck (a Nissan frontier king cab) not a lot of room right, and even with the seat all the way back the steering wheel would still rub the bottom of my stomach, so much so that I would get thin spots in my jeans from where the steering wheel rubbed. I don't know how I ever was okay with this, how I ever thought oh I'm not that big. This week i had to get in said truck ( i now drive a Ford Fusion, but I kept the truck cause it's always good to have a truck ya know) to jump off my car and talk about room to spare! It was insane, driving is so much easier now, and turning around to yell at my dogs in the back seat when we are on a trip is no problem. Even after I got my much more roomier car, I still couldn't like bend over if my cell phone fell on the floor board at my feet. Now I can no problem. I don't have to pull over anymore to retrieve it (even if I should). Adjusting my seat? At 430 pounds? There was no wedging my fat arm in between the seat and the door I would have to open the door to adjust my seat, now since my arm isn't the size of gigantic sausage i can move my seat back and forth with the door closed. When I first made this realization I called my mom in tears I was so happy, because I had never been able to do that all before. When I realized I could do that I felt like I had truly accomplished something in my life.

Movie theatre seats, I hated going to the movies at 430 pounds. I would go, and wedge myself in the seats and have bruises, huge ugly bruises on my hips and the sides of my stomach. Of course I never told anyone this, it was just a sad fact at my size. Booths in restaurants, I would fit in them (or most) but my boobs would cover my plate making it hard to eat. Now i have a lot less stomach and sadly a lot less boobs (the one part of my body that I am actually remorseful to see shrinking). I think the most embarrassing seating issue i had at 430 pounds was at my university. There were usually two types of desk-chairs, the regular sized one that I did not fit in at all (again more bruising on my stomach when I had to wedge myself in one) and the bigger ones that I did fit in. Sadly there was usually only two or three bigger ones per class and were always in high demand. So I would have to get to class early to get a seat I fit in. Now i don't have to worry about any of these problems. Movie seats I fit in comfortably, booths, typically if I'm out with a friend or a loved one who knew me big I'm usually like "oohhh look at all this room i have between the the table and my belly, my belly is getting smaller" and they laugh, but it's a major accomplishment for me. As for the bruises I am happy to say I haven't had any of those in awhile and I'm loving it.

Sex, 'lets talk about sex baby', sex is much much easier 150 pounds lighter. I am the kind of girl that really enjoys sex, and I had boyfriends at 430 pounds, and trust me I never let my weight bother me in the bedroom. I totally lived under the philosophy of well if he wants to have sex with me he must want to see me naked, so I was never shy once he got me in the bedroom, but logistically there were somethings I could not do, or were uncomfortable. For example, sex standing up, even braced up against something at my biggest was not possible. A few months back, like August, I had sex standing up. I was in the middle of having my heart broken, but utterly ecstatic that I had sex standing up! I remember I was shopping at Dillard's and my friend called to ask how I was doing with said imposing break up and I told her "well I'm devastated that he's gonna break my heart, but upside when I saw him last night we totally did it standing up, I was always to fat for that!" So even through a really sad time, I could take joy in the fact that all my hard work at the gym was paying off!

Whether your 200 pounds over weight or 50 pounds, there is stuff that that extra weight holds us back from doing, whether it's playing with our kids for extended periods of time, feeling more comfortable out in public at the movies or at school or being able to fit on roller coasters (again something I couldn't do at 430 pounds) or being super sexy in the bedroom. We shouldn't let a little (or a lot) of weight hold us back from living our lives. I know I am more alive now, because I am more fit and I can do more and really enjoy my life and I can't wait to see what life has in store for me at 180 pounds compared to 260 pounds. So just remember that it's your life and you're the one responsible for it and always go strong no matter what!

Having Support and Showing Support

I think I made a post once already about supporters and haters, but this is something that is going to come up over and over again and something happened this week in my life to make me reevaluate somethings.

First I wanna talk about my dad. I love the guy and he loves me and wants whats best for me, however i did not get his genes for being thin. The man is 59 years old, lives (i mean LIVES) off chocolate and has a waist size of 32. He has never been and probably will never be over weight. Which is amazing for him he doesn't have to worry about being fat (however that does not mean his eating habits are healthy, just because you are thin does not mean you can eat junk without it coming back to bite you.) So that being said, my daddy loved me at 430 pounds and thought I was his beautiful little girl and will love me at 200 pounds and still think I'm his beautiful little girl. He supports my weight loss, is proud of my motivation and accomplishment, but sometimes doesn't fully understand how hard it is. This week me and my parents went to Wal-Mart together, this is a rare occurrence, my dad is a truck driver and is usually away from home and I do the grocery shopping now that we are living healthier lives, but we are doing home renovations and we all needed to go to decide on paint colors and buy some stuff like that. Well as we were checking out my dad sees the movie theatre size boxes of candy on sale and decides to get three. He gets Whoppers (his favorite), Junior Mints (my moms favorite) and Milk Duds (my favorite), sweet right? He deserves a hug for thinking of us, right? Well yes and no. It is sweet, but it's also not very supportive. One box of Milk Duds like that has about 3 servings (17 candy pieces) for 170 calories per serving (not even gonna go into the fat) and it's full of preservatives (I no longer eat processed food if I can help it). All of which makes this a very bad treat for me, and I can say no to buying it no problem but once it's in my house I have trouble saying no. I was good, i had about 10 pieces and stopped, gave him back the box and said I didn't want to see it. I know it sounds mean, but it's one of my trigger foods and I absolutely HAVE to stay away from them. And when he didn't eat the box and put it in the freezer and left to go out of town for work I threw the box away.
So here is a man, that loves me, would die for me and says he is supportive but his actions prove otherwise. He wants me thin, fit and healthy, but like most of us shows his love through food. So if you're the person in any kind of relationship with someone trying to lose any amount of weight it is your responsibility to show your love by NOT tempting them. I would have much preferred a hug from my dad than the Milk Duds.
I have a really great support system I am so lucky in that because some people don't. This is very hard to do without a support system. If people in your life aren't receptive to you losing weight tell them to stop. I told my dad no more Milk Duds! If your husband still brings home bags and bags of chips and wont stop tell him to keep them in his car. He can eat them, but you can't be around them. Eventually they will learn to not bring trigger foods to you. I don't think it doesn't mean they don't love us, I just don't think they understand how hard it really is. If the people in your life are mean to you about your weight loss journey, use it to prove them wrong. I'm saying YOU CAN DO IT! If I've said it once I've said it a million times, I am not special, if I can lose weight so can you. Support is nice, but it is not necessary at the end of the day you're the one in the gym, in the kitchen and in your life making better choices. Live it to the fullest, get to out there and prove you're stronger than Milk Duds and the bags of chips in the world and always go strong no matter what!